Thursday, October 29, 2009

That's what she said

No news is good news, right? Wrong! How is it that statement can be true everywhere but the IF community? Bunch of dysfunctional rejects that we are.

To boil it down to one sentence, I never got my period last week, as Dr. Piece of Cake thought I would. How did I know an appointment with the magical vagi wand would be in my future? Call it intuition. I went in this morning.

She called a little while ago to say that the “spot” on the ultrasound is still there. And my blood work shows I should be mid cycle. Impressive, for someone on CD21.

I’m supposed to call her on Nov. 9th, or on CD 1, which ever comes first. She also wants me to call if anything weird starts going on.

Me: “Weird? How exactly would you define “weird” at this point?”

Dr. POC: “Abdominal pain, etc.”

Me: “Oh, you mean the abdominal pain that I’ve been having for the last 2 weeks? The slip n’ slide CM I’ve had for the last 5 days? Or the toss my cookies onto a plate of cookies nausea I’ve had for the last two days?

Dr. POC: “Yes, but I can’t find any specific reason for those symptoms in your blood work or ultrasound. They must be coincidence.”

Me: “Right.”

I am a marvel of modern medicine. I should be encased in the Smithsonian and labeled as “Inexplicable, Unpredictable, Unreliable Bodily Functions.”

Let me ask you this: how does one’s body become so effed up in the first place?

This is a joke. Except I’m the only one laughing, the crazy person laugh.

The thought of seeing another doctor is not one that has escaped me. I worry about seeing another doctor though for insurance purposes. Dr. POC submits my insurance paperwork as “ovarian dysfunction,” which my insurance company is happy to write the checks for. 12 visits per month? No problem!

Should I go to a new doctor, go through the gamut of testing all over again, and they code my paperwork as “lame assed infertile,” my insurance company will tell me to turn around and grab my ankles. Is there an option for lube? I doubt it.

The next doctor we see will be an RE, which will be when we win the lottery. In the meantime, I’ll stick with weird.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My middle name is false alarm

Would you like the Classic mind fuck? Or the Down & Dirty version?

I called Dr. POC on Friday to let her know I hadn't been feeling well for quite a few days. She didn't think it had anything to do with the last injection. We chaulked it up to bad Chinese Food, knowing that I had a follicle check scheduled for today, if there were any issues, she'd find it then.

After the ultrasound, I wait in the waiting room where there are 13 parenting magazines, and 1 Us Weekly. From said waiting room I can hear Dr. POC discussing with the ultrasound tech and the bloodwork girl. I hear one of them on the phone spelling my last name. I hear Dr. POC talking about blood type, rhogram (sp) shot, etc. etc. etc. I start flipping the hell out. Dr. POC calls me back and shows me ultrasound pics of what she thinks is a pregnancy, in the correct place. I ask her if she is tripping the hell out because I had my period 13 days ago. A normal one. And I haven't been taking my vagi vitamins, and I've been having bad right side pain. She assures me it is not another ectopic. They're going to draw blood, tests, tests, tests...

Two hours later I'm lying on my couch, letting my vagi vitamin digest, when Dr. POC calls. Uhm, yeah, remember when I said you were KU? Uhm, sorry for the confusion, but you're not.

The consolation prize? She's not 100% sure, but she thinks it could be either a collapsed cyst or a chemical pregnancy.

She wants us to skip trying this month. My blood work looks like I'm going to get my period again any day now anyways. When I get my period again she wants me to call and schedule another ultrasound to confirm whatever the hell is going on in there is resolved. Super. We'll throw the trigger injections into a meat grinder and go with clomid next cycle. More "predictability."

I'll give you something to predict. It's called my freaking nervous breakdown.

Now, to more important decisions... which crib set to pick out for my cyst? The Madison or the Gabriel?

Bad Chinese? Really? Cause I think I can tell the difference.

At this point, if I don't land in the hospital before the end of the year I'll consider it a great success (in by best Borat impression)!!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Over the top

Big thanks to AnxiousMummyto3 for the award:) Her blog is one of my favorites. Her writing is fluid and powerful. I savor each post with a deep hunger because I can identify with her so well. AnxiousMummyto3, thank you for writing with such a relatable honestly.

Here are the rules:
1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. alert them that you have given them this award
4. have fun!

The Fun Part:
1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your hair? mess
3. your mother? honest
4. Your father? handy
5. Your favorite food? fries
6. Your dream last night? work
7. Your favorite drink? cosmopolitan
8. Your dream/goal? BABY
9. What room are you in? study
10. Your hobby? yoga
11. Your fear? control
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here
13. Where were you last night? home
14. something that you aren't? quiet
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? nada
17. Where did you grow up? northeast
18. Last thing you did? changed
19. What are you wearing? comfies
20. Your TV? asleep
Your pets? woof
Friends? fantastic
23. Your life? wonderful
24. Your mood? eh
25. Missing someone? k
26. Vehicle? jeep
27. Something you're not wearing? tiara
28. Your favorite store? banana
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? afternoon
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? bw
33. One place that I go to over and over? fridge
34. One person who emails me regularly? k
35. Favorite place to eat? whereever

I would have been due yesterday. There is just no other way to put it than directly. If I had stayed pregnant and if I had a healthy pregnancy... that coinciding with pregnancy and infant loss awareness month has been why the mood has been heavier in Kansas lately. I had originally written a post about my dead baby issues, but decided not to post it. For now.

It's a winding road. Grief. You just never know where it's going to take you. You're moving along just fine. But then you see something or hear something that brings back the new car smell. It's not as easy as asking for directions and getting back on track. Sometimes you just go around in circles, unsure of how to resume the journey. You take steps, even when you're sure you cannot possibly take another. Even when it would be easier to admit defeat and quit.

Baby steps. I hated the term when I was in the hospital, and even now. The irony drives the burning even deeper. I'm making small steps out of the dark and stormies, back to version Kansas Lite, I'm just not sure when I'll make it. I'll let you know when I get there.

Now... for the moment we've all been waiting for... (((drumroll)))

I'm passing the Over the Top award on to:
1. Maybe if you just relax
2. The Winding Road to Parenthood
3. Life and Love in the Petri Dish
4. I'm a Smart One
5. Take it One Gigantic Earth Shattering Crisis at a Time
6. If it's not one thing, it's your mother

Friday, October 16, 2009

I am a wing away from being a wing nut

You know it’s unseasonably cold when you’re at work and the fire alarm goes off and you think, there is no way in hellz I am vacating this premises for a drill. It’s 46 degrees out today. It’s cold, even for us in the northeast, for October.

It was even colder this morning at 6:30am. Roughly 32 degrees. Imagine me, in my pajama’s, un-brushed teeth, bra-less, without my glasses, running around my neighborhood like a crazy person.

If you’re thinking I was sleepwalking, which would be very likely for me… As I have a pathological history of sleep walking and talking. We were on a cruise this past February when I ran out of our room into the hallways of the ship because I had a dream the ship was taking on water. I was well into the hallway before I woke up. I wish it weren’t true, okay. Don’t judge me.

So if you’re thinking that’s what’s happening here, you’re on the right track, but wrong train.

I got up this morning, like I do every morning, and let my dogs out. After I let the dogs out I feed the cats, fill up the dogs bowls, give everyone water, go pee, then let the dogs back in. 10 minute process, give or take.

This morning, though, I went to let the dogs back in and only Benson was standing there…

I let him in, called for Roxy, and went to do something else while she wrapped it up.

A few minutes later I went back, and she still wasn’t there…. Open the door, call her… nothing… Step outside… See the fence gate swinging wide open.

Now you have an accurate picture of me, in my pj’s, un-brushed teeth, bra-less, without my glasses, running around my neighborhood like a crazy person.

K was still in bed. I didn’t want to take the time to go back into the house to get him when she’d been out for nearly 10 minutes.

I didn’t know which direction to go. I started to panic. Hyperventilate. Anxiety attack. Tears. I’m imagining the worst. I’m imagining that I’ll never get to see my smoochy girl again and I get even more hysterical.

I see that my neighbors garage is open. I go over there thinking maybe she went in there. No luck. I turn around to go home and get K when I see my little miss come strolling up the road...

I carried all 62lbs of her home. And hugged her on the kitchen floor for 20 minutes.

It makes me realize how co-dependant I am on her. I’m conveying human emotion and need for a child onto my dog, I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the phase I’m at.

Since the loss, I have put my displaced feelings of hurt and failure into feelings of love and nurture for her. It’s a big task for a little girl to carry, but she does it well. It’s like she knows how much I need her.

If anything happened to her I would just fall apart. Plain and simple. She’s getting micro chipped on Saturday. And the fence is being fixed.

How about you? What are you co-dependant on?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

I want to take a moment to acknowledge Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. And recognize each of you that have been through a pregnancy or infant loss. I know how hard it is. And I know that even though there is an “awareness” day that people who have not been through it would prefer to be unaware (with the exception of the IF community;o).

Did you know that JFK and Jackie suffered multiple losses? Jackie had a miscarriage in 1955, and a still birth in 1956. In 1963 their son, Patrick, was born 5 weeks premature and passed away when he was 39 days old due to complications. He passed just a couple of months before the assassination. I can’t imagine the hurt that Jackie must have felt.

For those that have experienced a loss, my thoughts are with you today. Know that I know your pain. I know that you learn how to be functional again in the wake of a loss, but the true raw ache never really goes away.

If you want to take a moment to remember a loss, please feel free to do so here. No emotion is off limits here, ever.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Warning: Flagrant Profanity

There is always some sick and twisted son of a bitch flaunting it in my face! I work in sales for a fortune 500 insurance company. I received an email today sent to my office and a neighboring office with the following message...


Really? There is a dumbass that exists that thought this email would be appropriate to send to 75 people in a professional setting? Why stop with our 2 offices, why not send it to the entire goddamn company? Because jesus christ, we are all just beaming with joy for Chris, Becky, and Cinco.
And why wouldn't we be gloriously happy for Chris, Becky, and Cinco? They have been blessed with the fertility of bunnies and I am just a cranky infertile. So please, continue sending out the most ghey images of sparkling teddy bears, and don't mind me while I go out on Mental & Nervous claim.

I just threw up in my mouth.

My response: Please remove me from your distribution list, you fucking retard.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Crazy is as crazy does

Things I google at work for which one day I will be fired:

Difference between progesterone cream, patches and suppositories
-because contrary to popular opinion, no I do not love shoving pea sized vagi-vitamins into my lady business, all the while trying not to poke myself in the ass with my other fingers. Tasty image, right?

Can progesterone suppositories cause constipation?
-because there’s nothing better than being bound up while on vagi-vitamins. Come to think if it… if I did “accidentally” poke myself in the ass it might get things moving in the bum department. Although, I am absolutely unwilling to experiment with this method.

Are stool softeners safe to take during pregnancy?
-because I am one of those dumb hopefuls that thinks she might… just might… be preggo every single 2WW. Although, I never am.

This brings to mind the definition of insanity. Repeating the same action and expecting a different result. This makes me, by definition, insane. As if I didn’t know this before, but I need Webster to point it out to me before I can commit to swallowing it whole.

We try month after month after month… expecting a different result.

We experience heartbreak month after month after month… expecting a different result.

We spend hundreds in treatments month after month after month… expecting a different result.

We have ultrasounds, injections and blood tests month after month after month… expecting a different result.

We search online for baby furniture month after month after month… expecting a different result.

We are disappointed month after month after month… expecting a different result.

Are we really crazy? Are we gluttons for hurt and disappointment? Why do we expect a different result when the past has been so reliable?