Holiday Cheer Hijacker

Internets, it’s a BFN. I know, shock and awe… blah blah blah How can I be filled with The Christmas Cheer and not full of The Rage? The Hysteria? How can I not be telling people off in the grocery store in fits of crazy?

How can I be decking the halls with boughs of freaking holly when my ovaries have staged a walk out?

I’ll tell you friends…

It’s called, How to Turn a Sweet Christmas Miracle, into, Selfish Scheme to Give Kansas the Warm and Fuzzies. Because let me tell you… I am not about the warm and I am not about the fuzzy.

We’ve “adopted” a child from our local foster program to buy Christmas gifts for. His name is Sean and he’s 3 years old. When I got Sean’s Christmas list all it had on it was Lego’s. Cue the tears, and not the It’s A Wonderful Life, kind. Picture Marley & Me type hysteria.

Now, before you go soft on me, remember the scheme.

This is not about a child who might otherwise give up on his belief of Santa. Or learn about the cruelty of the world at much too young of an age. It is also not about his exhilaration on Christmas morning waking up to every type of Lego product available in the US. It’s not about the smile on his face, or the hope in his heart.

Okay? So get those dirty images out of your head. This is about me. And contrary to popular opinion, being hopped up on hormones does not give me the warm or the fuzzy. Unless you mean The Warm in a hot flash kind of way, and The Fuzzy in a blistering migraine kind of way. I just want to be clear.

In case you’re still following in a Christmas Shoes kind of way let me reiterate the selfish nature of this mission.

By doing this, seemingly selfless act, I am filling myself with the warm and the fuzzy (the non hormone flavor), thus easing the blow of the most recent flurry of bad news.

So, the next time you get 5 inches of snow in the beginning of December (or a BFN for the gazillionth time in a row, but who’s counting) and you feel like rapid firing 3 dozen sugar cookies up Kris Kringle’s jolly red ass, do something selfish, get some warm and get some fuzzy.

The secret

Omg, quick somebody ask me what CD I'm on!!! ...because I have no idea! How can this be that every second of my life has not been devoted to CD's, minutes, seconds? Don't get me wrong, I still know the first day I can do an hpt.... (One week from today, ahem).... I guess it's because I have no hope, er... expectations for this month.

Note to reproductive self: like a knocked up high school drop out, you have screwed up so many times that I have ceased having any realistic expectations from you. You will not go to college and you will not marry your baby daddy.

So, there it is. The secret to mental bliss during the fight against if. Better yet, the secret to mental bliss during the 2WW. Try it out, maybe it'll work for you.

Okay, the truth is... I went in on CD11 for a follie check. There were 2 jumbo sized, ready to rock. Super.omg.getout. Much excitement over this cuz #1 the clomid worked, holy crickee. #2 it before day 20 (my "normal" ov day). #3 there were 2! Joy and joyness a Christmas miracle, double the chances!
That was a thurs, Dr. Poc said I'd ov that weekend...

That weekend came and went... No positive opk. For realz. Visualize balloon losing air.

On the Monday following I went in for blood work and did the trigger injection. This put ov to day 17. Less than stellar, but still acceptable.

Now... What day are we on? Who knows, who cares. I have a feeling it didn't work. That my hopped up on hormones self, hot flashes, and migraines were all for nothing. What's the plan for next month? I haven't the foggiest. Don't know, don't care.

Oh, and also, the onslaught of December has made me realize that I have ovulated a whopping grant total of 2 times all year.

Tell me, have you been through a Who Gives a Crap phase? And, how long can I look forward to it? Cause I am not minding the view from here.




Note: I do not think HS KU drop outs are worthless. If you are one, or are a recovering HS KU know that you are very worth-ful(?)... Example used for illustrative purposes only. Please don't send me hate mail. Kthxbye

Public Service Announcement

WANTED
PREDICTABILITY

Predictability has been on the run in the Northeast US for approximately 15 years. Several attempts have been made to apprehend Predictability, including: BCP's, various hormone cocktails, and several hidden vagi-cam investigations. Current efforts include 50mg Clomid Days 5-9. Predictability has managed to allude all our efforts to date. If you have seen, or may know where Predictability may be hiding, you are urged to call our annonymous tip line.

Memoirs of a vagi-cam

I casually made the suggestion to my vagi-tech that it may be time for me to invest in my very own vagi-cam. She said that would run me an easy 300k. An ice breaker. As if I need one with this woman, she's seen my vag more times than my wax lady at this point (mostly because, oh yeah, I don't have a wax lady).

She leads me into the room, tells me I know what to do. I agree that yes, I do know what to do, but... Today is Day 3... She says, "not to worry, it's just the same, except you'll want to take your tampon out." Right, because I don't want it to become a nose plug.

You guys were right it was nothing at all. Nothing to even give a second thought. Clomid starts Friday and goes through tuesday, days 5-9. Oh, and my fun cyst has doubled in size. Clomid should be like a nice jolt of steroids for it. Fun! Next vagi-cam: 1 week.

This is how we do it

Friends, I am not going to dance around the uncomfortable nature of the question I need to ask. It’s not my style, plus, I think we’re beyond the sugar-coating.

I have a Day 3 vagi-ultrasound tomorrow. transvaginal, if you want to be grown up about it, which I don’t. Basically because I think “vagi” before anything makes it most hilarious. i.e. vagi-vitamin (aka progesterone), vagi-wipey (aka personal cleanliness products), you get the idea.

I am not a stranger to the vagi-ultrasound. On a scale of 1-10, vagi-modesty is easily at a 1. After so many miles on the IF highway, vagi-caution is thrown to the wind.

I have more concern over the Day 3 aspect of the appointment. You see, I’m worried that Day 3 will be the most ickticious day of my days.

The only time I have been… ahem… examined during this time was when I found out about the EP. They gave me vagi-wipey’s (see above) but it was a hot mess. I know these people are professionals and they deal with it all the time. Right? I mean, don’t they?

Internet bff’s, please tell me you’ve been there/done that and it’s not half as bad as I’m making it out to be. Please!!!

That's what she said

No news is good news, right? Wrong! How is it that statement can be true everywhere but the IF community? Bunch of dysfunctional rejects that we are.

To boil it down to one sentence, I never got my period last week, as Dr. Piece of Cake thought I would. How did I know an appointment with the magical vagi wand would be in my future? Call it intuition. I went in this morning.

She called a little while ago to say that the “spot” on the ultrasound is still there. And my blood work shows I should be mid cycle. Impressive, for someone on CD21.

I’m supposed to call her on Nov. 9th, or on CD 1, which ever comes first. She also wants me to call if anything weird starts going on.

Me: “Weird? How exactly would you define “weird” at this point?”

Dr. POC: “Abdominal pain, etc.”

Me: “Oh, you mean the abdominal pain that I’ve been having for the last 2 weeks? The slip n’ slide CM I’ve had for the last 5 days? Or the toss my cookies onto a plate of cookies nausea I’ve had for the last two days?

Dr. POC: “Yes, but I can’t find any specific reason for those symptoms in your blood work or ultrasound. They must be coincidence.”

Me: “Right.”

I am a marvel of modern medicine. I should be encased in the Smithsonian and labeled as “Inexplicable, Unpredictable, Unreliable Bodily Functions.”

Let me ask you this: how does one’s body become so effed up in the first place?

This is a joke. Except I’m the only one laughing, the crazy person laugh.

The thought of seeing another doctor is not one that has escaped me. I worry about seeing another doctor though for insurance purposes. Dr. POC submits my insurance paperwork as “ovarian dysfunction,” which my insurance company is happy to write the checks for. 12 visits per month? No problem!

Should I go to a new doctor, go through the gamut of testing all over again, and they code my paperwork as “lame assed infertile,” my insurance company will tell me to turn around and grab my ankles. Is there an option for lube? I doubt it.

The next doctor we see will be an RE, which will be when we win the lottery. In the meantime, I’ll stick with weird.

My middle name is false alarm

Would you like the Classic mind fuck? Or the Down & Dirty version?

I called Dr. POC on Friday to let her know I hadn't been feeling well for quite a few days. She didn't think it had anything to do with the last injection. We chaulked it up to bad Chinese Food, knowing that I had a follicle check scheduled for today, if there were any issues, she'd find it then.

After the ultrasound, I wait in the waiting room where there are 13 parenting magazines, and 1 Us Weekly. From said waiting room I can hear Dr. POC discussing with the ultrasound tech and the bloodwork girl. I hear one of them on the phone spelling my last name. I hear Dr. POC talking about blood type, rhogram (sp) shot, etc. etc. etc. I start flipping the hell out. Dr. POC calls me back and shows me ultrasound pics of what she thinks is a pregnancy, in the correct place. I ask her if she is tripping the hell out because I had my period 13 days ago. A normal one. And I haven't been taking my vagi vitamins, and I've been having bad right side pain. She assures me it is not another ectopic. They're going to draw blood, tests, tests, tests...

Two hours later I'm lying on my couch, letting my vagi vitamin digest, when Dr. POC calls. Uhm, yeah, remember when I said you were KU? Uhm, sorry for the confusion, but you're not.

The consolation prize? She's not 100% sure, but she thinks it could be either a collapsed cyst or a chemical pregnancy.

She wants us to skip trying this month. My blood work looks like I'm going to get my period again any day now anyways. When I get my period again she wants me to call and schedule another ultrasound to confirm whatever the hell is going on in there is resolved. Super. We'll throw the trigger injections into a meat grinder and go with clomid next cycle. More "predictability."

I'll give you something to predict. It's called my freaking nervous breakdown.

Now, to more important decisions... which crib set to pick out for my cyst? The Madison or the Gabriel?



Bad Chinese? Really? Cause I think I can tell the difference.

At this point, if I don't land in the hospital before the end of the year I'll consider it a great success (in by best Borat impression)!!!