Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Pins and needles

6:15am - Beep… Beep… Beep…

6:20am - Kitchen counter covered with syringes, alcohol prep pads, hcg, diluting solution. I am like a crack fiend looking for their next high.

6:25am – Fertility monitor reads High. Omg, ute?! You decided to cooperate!?

6:30am – Boxer (See Below) looks at me quizzically, “What the h are you doing Ma?” Nothing to see here, move it along!

6:45am – The deed is done… with 1 casualty… Pain, tears, hysterics over accidentally sticking myself in the thumb. Holy hot mother of god, that shit hurts. But it made sticking myself in the stomach seem like a piece of cake.

Progesterone testing is next. Not sure when that will be since I have officially worn out my welcome at my doctors office. They are screening my calls and have a restraining order against me.

I recognize that I must wait the full 2 weeks to get an accurate test reading, which will be torturous. Since I am not just a member of the Early Test Club, I am also the President. I hope they don’t revoke my membership, and my title, because who am I kidding? We all know I will be testing from 8 dpo on out.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The waiting game

I like games. We had great fun playing games this past weekend; Gin Rummy, 21. Who doesn’t have fun playing some games with friends? Games generally have rules, participants, some type of contest, a strategy, a timeframe, fun“ness.”

This waiting game does not fit into that criteria whatsoever.

Who came up with this “game?” Some joker with a seriously messed up idea of fun. Let me clue you in on a key ingredient for games… they have to be FUN. So you can take you, yourself, and your messed up games and get the hells out of here.

I know what you’re thinking… “Kansas, you dummy, it’s a phrase! Stop being so literal!”

Thanks, I needed that pistol whip this morning. Really, because this game has been going on since Thursday. I went in for the injection, but lo and behold my follicle was not big enough. They checked estrodiol and told me to come back in my next lifetime when it would be at sufficient levels for the injection.

This morning, bright and peppy 8am, I went back in. The follicle is sooper doper perfect size, lining is lovely, but fertility monitor is still on low. Wah? How can dis be? My short bus ute failing me again? Fer realz kids.

I have been instructed to carry around my injection supplies with me at all times… you know, just in case my eckstra speshul ute decides to cooperate at a moments notice.

Imagine me… at an offsite work function… at the beach… out to dinner… hanging out with friends… and back at work. With my doggie bag, because I've been carrying it around since Thursday.

My coworkers can’t figure out why I won’t just throw away my seriously stale nachos from last week. I get separation anxiety, ok? Gahd.

So here I am at work. And I can’t decide, IF I get the greenlight today, where exactly I would like to look like a crackhead and shoot myself up. In our uber nasty bathroom? Kitchen that hasn’t been cleaned in the 2 years that I’ve been working here? Conference room that leaks toilet water from the upstairs bathrooms?

So many choices, I may just put them all in a hat and draw one out.

I should find out in an hour if the estridiol is good to go.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Nomination? For Moi?

Thanks to Miss Tori for Nominating me for the Lovely Blogger Award!

I would like to thank Dan.non Light & Fit blueberry yogurt for helping me maintain souper duper mental clarity, my friends, my fans, oh I know I am forgetting someone, but I'm just so nervous. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

I'm passing it on to


I've been stalking her blog for a while. So happy that things are falling into place for her.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Secret Lovers: Me & Chip

I feel like I can be frank with you, internet bff’s, all 7 of you. 6 of who accidentally stumbled here by Googling “Cadillac.” That was a fatal error. Now I will never let you leave. Muuahhh haaa haaa. (that’s my evil laugh, it’s scary, huh?)

I have officially stopped seeing my crazy doctor. Actually, it’s unofficial. I had an appointment scheduled, I cancelled it, and then never rescheduled. (what a cop out, she would be so disappointed in me)

I started feeling stressed out when I knew I was going to see her because I didn’t know what to talk about. That was my first clue.

I actually do miss her though, on a personal level, rather than a psychological one. She’s really sweet and nice. I thought about sending her a card and asking if we could be friends. My first thought is that might be a bit too Fatal Attraction for my style. And my second thought is that I don’t pay any of my other friends $205 an hour to hang out with me. So, the cord has been cut (terribly inappropriate phrasing). Unless I have a spastic episode in the future, in which case, I reserve the right to resume my psychological friendship with her.

Until then, she has left some pretty big shoes to fill. At this time I’d like to introduce my new friend Chip.

Internets: meet Chip.

Chip: meet Internets.

He’s waving. He’s kind of sneering though, because that’s how he rolls. He’s taken up residence on my shoulder. And he’s got mongoose like reflexes when he thinks I’ve been dissed, or someone has one upped my fucked up emotional state. Because duh, no one in the history of the world could possibly be as devastated as I am. Joan of Arc? That bitch better not dare say she had it worse off than me or Chip will wind one up with her name on it. Gawd.

Chip is always there in the clutch though. Like when my mom gave me the “Life is hard, choose God’s way” speech this weekend. Wait, Chip just thought he heard you compare my devastation and impending fertility treatments to buying a house, divorce, and difficult pregnancies. Did he get that right? Then… BAM, right in the kisser. She didn’t even see it coming. Poor mom. She should know that Chip is all business.

I’m not sure how long Chip will stick around. Hopefully not too long, he crowds my space a bit. I doubt Dr. Crazy would care for him. It’s okay, we’ll be secret lovers.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Prepare for the worst

What do cramming 7 drunks and 1 DD into a Chevy Blazer, jello shots, penis cakes, sore ass feet, and Pin the Macho on the Man have in common? I know, you could have guessed after the first clue. The festivus de Bachelorette!

I must say the bachelorette parties have thinned out in the last year. Mostly due to the fact that the majority (if not all) of my friends are married by now. This one was for my cousin, which was how I knew it was going to be a raving good time. My other cousins (one from out of state) also came, which made the trouble factor rise significantly. But it was so much fun to catch up, and party with them.

Chaz, our Pin the Macho on the Man sleazebag whore, was great fun. We hid his bizarrely decorated penises all around my house for my husband to find. It was great when I hear him shout from our room yesterday:

“Why is there a zebra print penis in my sock drawer?”

Me: “Huh, wah? Can’t hear you…”

It will be excellent this winter when he finds one in the fireplace.

The party was perfect in theory. Girls night out! What could go wrong?! But after an hour my incisions were throbbing and I thought my guts might fall out at any minute. I thought to myself: “Self, what the hell is your 27 year old going through IF treatments ass doing out here?” I sat on a bar stool for 15 minutes and rallied to finish out the night.

Despite my moment of weakness, it was a good night filled with bachelorette debauchery fun. Chaz, love you. Miss you. Hope you’re not getting salmonella on the bottom of my trash can.

In other wildly exciting news, my hcg injection is scheduled for the 20th at 9am. And we found out our insurance company is going to cover it.

Me: “What you’re going to cover a treatment for something that is medically wrong with me?”

I almost fell down the stairs ass over tea kettle when they told me. My motto with them is: Prepare for the worst. I think if I said, “Wait, let me get this straight…” one more time they would have shaken the Magic 8 ball again on me and changed their minds. So I let it go.

Internets: any advice on how to get my dh to produce his jizz sample would be hugely appreciated. I brought home a 1 pager of directions filled with "masterbation," "ejaculation," etc. They know how to turn a dude on, right? I offered to give a "hand" but how do I know when the time is right? The sample has to be provided between 8am and 3pm.

Me (from work): "Hey honey, how about we run home for lunch for a quick hand job?"

Him: "... ... ...."

Not so much.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Step right up please and get your tickets!

Omg, LPD, OPP, TGIF, HCG! WTF?! I wonder if I could write a post made up entirely of acronyms. I looove the acronyms. I hope acronyms take over the entire English language.
Moving on, as acronyms have nothing to do with anything at all, I just wanted to interrupt your regularly scheduled program to profess my love for dat crap.

I saw dr. ‘wonderful, everything is a piece of cake’ yesterday. She has always been this way; through my ep, both surgeries, getting pg in general, almost to the point of getting on my nerves. Everything seems so simple in her book. Maybe it is I who complicates everything? I’m not really going to ponder that, since I’ve stopped seeing my crazy dr., who knows what might send me hurling over the edge these days.

Moving on, again. ADHD, there’s an acronym for you. … After another ridiculously long wait in the waiting room (were talking 45 minutes here) I got in for my 15 minutes of fame. It was scheduled to be my annual, but I morphed it into another IF session. Listen, I’ll milk the woman for whatever I can after 45 minutes in the waiting room, mkay?

I told her how after last months sonogram & estrodial tests I never got a positive OPK (which I acknowledge in hindsight). And how I spent a retarded fortune on the Cadillac and it has said I’ve been on “high” fertility for the last 11 days (shocked? Mmm, me too). Through this new round of blessed information she was able to whittle the IF culprits down to 1! Now we know with complete certainty where the problem lies. OMG, GTFO! I know, it’s so exciting!

I prepare the follicle normally, estrodial rises normally… but… then… nothing. I’m not producing the LH surge to trigger ov. She has thought that I do not ov all along, but wasn’t sure why. Well now we know. Arentyousosmart.

We’re going to bypass Clomid altogether. There’s no point wasting months of that if we know if won’t work for. I’m thankful for the saved months of frustration. (I should deposit those into my frustration savings account, they might come in handy later.)

We’re going to have a sonogram on/around the 21st. If a good follicle is developing we’re going straight for the HCG injections. A few days later we will do a progesterone test, and do supplements as necessary. I must say I am a total dummy when it comes to this. And dr. piece of cake did not do the best job of explaining the steps. Like, how many injections are there? 1 per month? Does my insurance cover it? Clueless. Like Alicia Silverstone meets IF.

Ohyeah.btw.honey? you must haz your jizz tested. Did I forget to mention that? Mkay, cause you do. So.stepuptotheplate.makeithappen.

Must.stay.on.topic. I’m feeling really positive about the next steps now that we’ve finally narrowed down the problem. (which I must say explains a lot because I’ve had irregular cycles my entire life). But I am concerned about the odds of multiples (not bad though)/cost/insurance/side effects/etc. Any insights/experiences you fab internets have to share with my dirty whore blog would be very welcomed.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Hot diggity dogs

Since I have nothing to post related to my disfunctional self I thought I'd post a pic of my dogs, Benson & Roxy. Benson is in the foreground, Roxy is taking a snooze in the background.

They make me laugh literally every day.

In other news, I have an appointment with my dr. tmo. I'm thinking of giving Clomid a whirl since the Cadillac has confirmed that I have not ov'd. High fertility period for 11 days? I don't think so.