One year ago my life fell apart. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my ectopic pregnancy. It's a day I've watched approach on the calendar for months.
On one hand it seems so long ago, and on the other it feels like an eternity has passed.
I'm generally not one with a great memory, but I remember every excruciating detail of that day. Like it's burned in my mind.
As I was going about my business this morning getting ready for work I kept thinking to myself: exactly one year ago at this minute, I had no idea that my life was about to turn upside down in a matter of hours. But that didn't stop it from happening.
I planned for a long time to take this day off. To spend it by myself. Reliving the day and every gut wrenching detail. To go over my grief journal, which I've never reread. And to look at the pictures, which I've never brought myself to look at.
But as the day grew closer, and I started to feel the intensity of those feelings again, I decided not to. My heart started to feel the hurt of the loss and the trauma of nearly losing my life. I just can't allow myself to go back to that place again. That grief is like a black pit with no guarantee of safe return. Was there ever a safe return?
Yes, the hope of new life does ease the pain of the loss, I can't lie about that. It makes it much more bearable, but I still think about the ep every day. It's a part of me and a part of who I am.
I remember in the days and weeks after it happened wondering if I would ever be the same. I was so afraid because I knew I would be different, but I didn't know how.
One year later I can say that I am different. I am more thankful, more grateful and more appreciative of the ones I love and the world around me. It took me a long time to get here.
I don't know what the future holds for this pregnancy or future ones, but I hope my heart never has to know hurt like that again.
In the meantime, I'm thankful for every day. If that means I don't get another day, than I'm thankful for what I had while I had it. I wont live my life in fear because of loss, grief or IF.
To my precious one, I see your halo shining every day. You're always in my heart. xo
Hoarding Books
1 day ago
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2 comments:
This brought tears to my eyes. I will be posting something similar very shortly and all I can say is that I am happy you can see the silver lining in this cloud. Just remember it is Ok to let it hurt a bit as well, it is such a difficult experience to go through and I am so sorry it had to happen to you, sweetie. On the other hand, I am glad we have this in common in a way because I value your friendship so highly. You have been in my thoughts all day, just got home from work and thought I'd stop by straight away.
Huge (((HUGS)))
xxxx
Thanks so much for the comment:) I remember one year ago feeling so alone, like no one understood what I was going through. Until I found your blog. It was such a relief to find someone that was feeling the same feelings I felt and wading through the same thick waters of grief and emotions.
I know your anniversary is coming up next week. I've been thinking about you a lot. It's scary, but we'll make it through.
I am so thankful for your friendship.
(((HUGS)))
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