Does this baby make me look fat?

This weekend we had a tiny peep show of my favorite season... summah! It hit a high of 70! Holy hot martha focker you can bet your sweet ass I was out in my bikini. No shame!

A couple hours later my father in law called and wanted to stop by. I told K to give him fair warning of the bikini situation, but that didn't sway him. Whatever, enter at your own risk!

Anyways, it was freaking fantastic. It's been in the 40's and raining since. Zzzzz...

In other news, we had an appointment with Dr. Piece of Cake yesterday. Everything really is a POC for her. She called me a flaming drag queen because I haven't stopped taking the vagi vitamins yet.

Oops, my bad.

Apparently, "most" patients stop them at 12 weeks.

Obviously I am "most" patients.

I asked her what the odds were that there could be a problem with the placenta not producing progesterone. She said 0%. As in, none.

So last night I did not take one, and I prayed to the gods of Ali Babba all night that my busy little bug wouldn't die.

Our next appointment we'll get to find out the gender, April 20th.

Is it April 20th yet?

And now for the promised bump pic, 15 weeks, sans bikini. I may have been willing to torture my father in law with my cellulite covered self, but I will NOT do that to you my friends.

Unconvictable

Omg you guys, I finally figured out how to add a ticker to my page. God, I am so smart. And it only took... like... 4 hours and 37 minutes. Wow.

I am not in love with the Lilypie ticker like I am in love with Girl Scout Samoa cookies. So if you've seen a cooler one, please don't hesitate to share.

How can it be that Girl Scout cookie season is upon us just as I start reaching the Terrified of Being a Fatso stage? You see, I've always been a small person, but over the last several weeks I have transformed into quite the heifer. I look similar to what one would look like if they swallowed a hippopotamus. I can't sugar coat the truth peeps, I just can't.

It is this self image that makes me feel like I will go Son of Sam on the next person that says any of the below statements to me.

-"It's okay, you're eating for 2 now!!!" nice way of saying you look like a cow in a tutu.
-"Don't worry, you won't get fat, you'll just look like you swallowed a beach ball." Pressure, anyone?
And... my personal favorite:
-"Oh wow, look at your bump!! I didn't start showing with my first baby until I was 5 months!" The people that say this to me are immediately stabbed in the cornea with a stilleto heel. thankyouverymuch, please come again.

The next person that makes one of these comments to me will find an ice pick lodged in their ear drum. I suffer from progesterone poisening and I will not hesitate to serve up a knuckle sandwich to the mouthy and ill restrained. After all, I'm unconvictable. No jury is going to convict a pregnant woman that is foaming at the mouth, mostly out of pity.

Babycenter.com says I should gain between 25 - 35lbs. If I end up putting on 35lbs, I may throw myself out a window. But according to the babies at The Babycenter.com I am already 1 pound over where I should be at this time to be on track for gaining 35lbs. I feel an anorexia flare up coming on.* Why? Why do they insist on setting me up for failure?

I may post a belly pic soon. Depending on if I can find a foxy cute preggo and leave a trail of Girl Scout cookies to my belly pic lair.

I leave you with a pic of the bug from 12 weeks


*I do not, nor have I ever had anorexia, although I've tried many times to pick it up.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

One year ago my life fell apart. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my ectopic pregnancy. It's a day I've watched approach on the calendar for months.

On one hand it seems so long ago, and on the other it feels like an eternity has passed.

I'm generally not one with a great memory, but I remember every excruciating detail of that day. Like it's burned in my mind.

As I was going about my business this morning getting ready for work I kept thinking to myself: exactly one year ago at this minute, I had no idea that my life was about to turn upside down in a matter of hours. But that didn't stop it from happening.

I planned for a long time to take this day off. To spend it by myself. Reliving the day and every gut wrenching detail. To go over my grief journal, which I've never reread. And to look at the pictures, which I've never brought myself to look at.

But as the day grew closer, and I started to feel the intensity of those feelings again, I decided not to. My heart started to feel the hurt of the loss and the trauma of nearly losing my life. I just can't allow myself to go back to that place again. That grief is like a black pit with no guarantee of safe return. Was there ever a safe return?

Yes, the hope of new life does ease the pain of the loss, I can't lie about that. It makes it much more bearable, but I still think about the ep every day. It's a part of me and a part of who I am.

I remember in the days and weeks after it happened wondering if I would ever be the same. I was so afraid because I knew I would be different, but I didn't know how.

One year later I can say that I am different. I am more thankful, more grateful and more appreciative of the ones I love and the world around me. It took me a long time to get here.

I don't know what the future holds for this pregnancy or future ones, but I hope my heart never has to know hurt like that again.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for every day. If that means I don't get another day, than I'm thankful for what I had while I had it. I wont live my life in fear because of loss, grief or IF.


To my precious one, I see your halo shining every day. You're always in my heart. xo