Does that blow your mind?

Someone on a message board (for ep’s trying to get pg) had some pretty bitch slap comments for me this morning that I feel the need to address in case some others feel that I am a pathetic, overanalyzing, obsessed, controlling piece of shit .

(which I am all of the above. But god, I feel the need to save face, mkay?!)

I was being my fun self (as if I could be any other kind of self) and asking the girls about what types of fertility monitors they’ve used (see post below).

We are laughing and discussing the contraptions I’ve discovered and seeing who’s tried what.

And I get a note from Mrs. Not Fun Wants to Spoil Everyone Else’s Fun (how on earth does she sign that? I’d shorten it to Mrs. NFWSEEF).

Anyways, Mrs. NFWSEEF says to stop drinking and eat right to prepare for another pregnancy. Thank GOD she has told me this because I have been drunk since 2007 eating burritos and chili dogs. Damn it, if I had only known.

Then she says you have to chill out, because it won’t happen if you try too hard. Guilty, but that is such a bull shit statement. AND what about the people that don’t try at all? What about those mother….. ? AND what about people with ACTUAL MEDICAL diagnoses contributing to their IF, what about that Mrs. Smartypants, I mean, Mrs. NFWSEEF?

She does not do OPK’s or anything of the nature because someone told her it adds too much pressure. Who is this “someone” and what the flying fuck do they know about anything? I wouldn’t trust where they think you should buy salami from, never mind take their dumb ass opinion on fertility. Cease and desist taking advice from this person. Immediately.

In summary, Mrs. NFWSEEF, thank you for bitch slapping me up one side and down the other because you clearly have so much experience and good luck with getting knocked up that I would obviously want to give a rip about your advice. And I find the suggestive nature of your comments to be really annoying.

(in reality, my note back to her said something along the lines of: You raise some very good points. I’m going to give them some strong consideration.) That’s BS, I will do no such thing. End of story. I don't think I need to elaborate anymore on this.

It ain't right. And you know who you are...

Can I have the floor for a minute (or maybe 60? You dirty wannabe therapist whore of a blog)? I am in a fit of psychosis today over the amount of products marketed to infertiles. These filthy two timing bitches know that the infertile community will buy hoards of their ridiculously overpriced products based on promises of conception. I’m sure you’ve seen them. They market everything from lubes and vitamins to microscopes and digital monitors. You can basically spend a fortune. But it’s worth it, right? I mean, if it works. That’s what we tell ourselves anyways to rationalize the expenditure.
Uhm yes Uncle Sam, I spent $10,327 last year trying to get knocked up and I cannot see why that is not a tax write off. Someone.give.me.something.to.work.with.here. Fer real.
Wait a tick… did you say microscope?! What am I a freaking scientist!? That’s right kids. For a lovely $49.99 you too can buy a fertility microscope (because you are not NEARLY obsessive enough as it is) so that you can overanalyze saliva. Believe it or not, the microscope has received excellent reviews. And this device does not require you to purchase test strips! It tests SALIVA, not blood, or urine or even delicious cervical mucus. I just threw up in my mouth with the image of sticking a microscope up into the lady business. We need to move on.
Just as I am considering spending the ridiculous $49.99 on the microscope (because let’s face it, if I get the microscope I have to dig out my pocket protector and my retainer and nobody wants that) I find something even more expensive to blow my hard earned dollars out the window on, a digital fertility monitor. This contraption is on SALE for $142.99. Non sale prices range from $185-$250. And these prices do not include the test strips which will run you $45 for a 30 day supply. Bend over and grab your ankles because you are about to take it in the heiny. But this genius of modern technology detects 2 forms of ov hormones (LH & estrodial), where others only detect 1 (LH). When I find myself actually considering spending this ghastly amount of money on my very own “Cadillac of fertility monitors” I know I have officially lost it. In an attempt for redemption I look on craigslist. Maybe I can find a used one for less? And I do!!! Oh my, it is my lucky day because I found a used contraption for $50!!! Then it strikes me that the thought of inserting MY pee stick into a device that someone else has put THEIR pee stick into is infinitely disgusting. And the vag microscope is suddenly looking more appealing. (okay okay, it’s not for the vag, but I like calling it that).
I will be proceeding myself directly to CVS after work to charge my Cadillac on my credit card, because it’s worth it, right? I mean, if it works;o)

I'm going to need an old priest and a young priest

AF got word that I hate her and want her dead, now she is trying to kill me.

Send morphine, send vicodin, send percocet!!!

Countdown to ov: 20 days.

X + Y = Z

AF + BFN = I am a dumb whore who wasted an $8 hpt to test even though I’ve started to get AF.

AF + BFN = Cookie dough for breakfast

Cookie dough for breakfast + Godiva chocolaty flower goodness = It’s going to be a 5,000 calorie day friends, and I’m going to enjoy every bite of it.