It ain't right. And you know who you are...

Can I have the floor for a minute (or maybe 60? You dirty wannabe therapist whore of a blog)? I am in a fit of psychosis today over the amount of products marketed to infertiles. These filthy two timing bitches know that the infertile community will buy hoards of their ridiculously overpriced products based on promises of conception. I’m sure you’ve seen them. They market everything from lubes and vitamins to microscopes and digital monitors. You can basically spend a fortune. But it’s worth it, right? I mean, if it works. That’s what we tell ourselves anyways to rationalize the expenditure.
Uhm yes Uncle Sam, I spent $10,327 last year trying to get knocked up and I cannot see why that is not a tax write off. Someone.give.me.something.to.work.with.here. Fer real.
Wait a tick… did you say microscope?! What am I a freaking scientist!? That’s right kids. For a lovely $49.99 you too can buy a fertility microscope (because you are not NEARLY obsessive enough as it is) so that you can overanalyze saliva. Believe it or not, the microscope has received excellent reviews. And this device does not require you to purchase test strips! It tests SALIVA, not blood, or urine or even delicious cervical mucus. I just threw up in my mouth with the image of sticking a microscope up into the lady business. We need to move on.
Just as I am considering spending the ridiculous $49.99 on the microscope (because let’s face it, if I get the microscope I have to dig out my pocket protector and my retainer and nobody wants that) I find something even more expensive to blow my hard earned dollars out the window on, a digital fertility monitor. This contraption is on SALE for $142.99. Non sale prices range from $185-$250. And these prices do not include the test strips which will run you $45 for a 30 day supply. Bend over and grab your ankles because you are about to take it in the heiny. But this genius of modern technology detects 2 forms of ov hormones (LH & estrodial), where others only detect 1 (LH). When I find myself actually considering spending this ghastly amount of money on my very own “Cadillac of fertility monitors” I know I have officially lost it. In an attempt for redemption I look on craigslist. Maybe I can find a used one for less? And I do!!! Oh my, it is my lucky day because I found a used contraption for $50!!! Then it strikes me that the thought of inserting MY pee stick into a device that someone else has put THEIR pee stick into is infinitely disgusting. And the vag microscope is suddenly looking more appealing. (okay okay, it’s not for the vag, but I like calling it that).
I will be proceeding myself directly to CVS after work to charge my Cadillac on my credit card, because it’s worth it, right? I mean, if it works;o)