Secret Lovers: Me & Chip

I feel like I can be frank with you, internet bff’s, all 7 of you. 6 of who accidentally stumbled here by Googling “Cadillac.” That was a fatal error. Now I will never let you leave. Muuahhh haaa haaa. (that’s my evil laugh, it’s scary, huh?)

I have officially stopped seeing my crazy doctor. Actually, it’s unofficial. I had an appointment scheduled, I cancelled it, and then never rescheduled. (what a cop out, she would be so disappointed in me)

I started feeling stressed out when I knew I was going to see her because I didn’t know what to talk about. That was my first clue.

I actually do miss her though, on a personal level, rather than a psychological one. She’s really sweet and nice. I thought about sending her a card and asking if we could be friends. My first thought is that might be a bit too Fatal Attraction for my style. And my second thought is that I don’t pay any of my other friends $205 an hour to hang out with me. So, the cord has been cut (terribly inappropriate phrasing). Unless I have a spastic episode in the future, in which case, I reserve the right to resume my psychological friendship with her.

Until then, she has left some pretty big shoes to fill. At this time I’d like to introduce my new friend Chip.

Internets: meet Chip.

Chip: meet Internets.

He’s waving. He’s kind of sneering though, because that’s how he rolls. He’s taken up residence on my shoulder. And he’s got mongoose like reflexes when he thinks I’ve been dissed, or someone has one upped my fucked up emotional state. Because duh, no one in the history of the world could possibly be as devastated as I am. Joan of Arc? That bitch better not dare say she had it worse off than me or Chip will wind one up with her name on it. Gawd.

Chip is always there in the clutch though. Like when my mom gave me the “Life is hard, choose God’s way” speech this weekend. Wait, Chip just thought he heard you compare my devastation and impending fertility treatments to buying a house, divorce, and difficult pregnancies. Did he get that right? Then… BAM, right in the kisser. She didn’t even see it coming. Poor mom. She should know that Chip is all business.

I’m not sure how long Chip will stick around. Hopefully not too long, he crowds my space a bit. I doubt Dr. Crazy would care for him. It’s okay, we’ll be secret lovers.