Resolutions

Great news I realized today, I haven’t had a severe panic attack in a week, I’ve never had them in my life, but after the surgery I started having them quite a lot, maybe due to hormones. Crazy dr. (aka my psychologist) says it’s my body’s way of saying it’s being overloaded.

Speaking of the crazy dr., our appointment yesterday went well. I told her about the difficulty with coming back to work, my spending, my need to occupy myself, my fear of trying to paint because I’m afraid I’ll be a failure and my painting will suck. I told her about my bird pole/feeder debacle where I tried to put it in the ground and I broke it, and I ended up crying because I felt like I’d failed. She thinks I need to do some reflecting on why I feel like a failure and why I am so critical of myself. I know that the EP wasn’t my fault, so I’m not sure where that’s coming from. She thinks I should take up painting. But she thinks I should tell myself that it’s okay if my painting doesn’t come out okay.
I told her about my fear of forgetting about it. She said it’s because it’s too soon and I’m not ready to “let go of it” yet, not that I ever will. But I want to get to a place where I’m at peace with it.

I went to yoga again today. This class is the hardest of the 3 classes I signed up for. I was feeling sore before I went in from wearing heels today. I should’ve left the class early because it was really too hard for me but I didn’t. Now I’m really sore. In the last 5 minutes of class though we were laying in chavasana and reflecting. I was thinking about my appointment with my psychologist and I was thinking about something someone on an EP support group board shared with me about what she had learned after her EP, 3 years ago…
“I found peace by learning to love the new person EP made me, tragedy can make us stronger and more caring, and once I let go of wishing to go back to what I was before, I found I was happy to move on as I am.” Donna
After reading her comment I had a light bulb moment. I’ve so been wishing in the last several weeks that I could “click my heels together” and have this whole thing never happen, to be who I was. Reading her comment brought tears to my eyes because it is so insightful. I have to let go of wishing I could be who I was before and accept myself as I am now.
Fast forward to chavasana and reflecting, when out of nowhere my New Year’s resolution hit me like a ton of bricks. My New Year’s resolution for this year was self acceptance. I wanted to learn to accept the things about myself, and in my life, that I cannot control. The connection between my resolution and Donna’s comment is clear. In the last 5 weeks I’ve been struggling with trying to figure out why this would happen to me. To make me more caring, understanding or empathetic? Maybe all of these things, but I truly feel that going through this tragic and devastating experience of ectopic pregnancy will help me on my path to self acceptance. It gives me a small amount of comfort knowing that I haven’t gone through this in vain. I know that I won’t miraculously accept myself overnight, but at least it’s a start.
So, I’m going to get myself a canvas and paint set this weekend. So what if my painting turns out a little on the abstract side, it won’t be the end of the world.

No, we’re not in Kansas anymore, but someday that might just be okay.