The funk continues...

This ridiculous dreary mood I’ve been in has not lifted. Little light has been shed on why I feel this way. But I’ve still been trying to feel my way through it. I’m just so frustrated with my restrictions and limitations. I hate that I can’t go jogging or play tennis. I can’t even fully participate in yoga. It’s frustrating beyond words. I realized yesterday that exercising has always been a coping mechanism for me, and a stress reliever. When I’m working out I don’t think about anything else. Nothing. My mind is totally clear and focused on the task at hand. Now, even when I try to do yoga I wonder if I’m pushing myself too hard or if I’m injuring myself internally. But not doing anything keeps me painfully aware of reality 24/7. I feel like so much of who I am is confused right now and I can’t even do the one thing I’ve been good at my entire life. Exercising makes me feel good, not being able to is having such an affect on my mood. Just about the time I’ll hopefully be bouncing back I’ll have to have the next surgery. It gives me little to look forward to. I hate it and I hate myself for it. Rationally thinking I know this is counterproductive towards the route I am trying to take to self acceptance. I know that I can punish myself for eternity but the gaping hurt in my heart will still ache.
I recently found out the statistics on getting pregnant again after having an EP. After having an EP my odds are 15% of having another one. I read on Ectopic.org that 65% of women get pregnant again within 18 months, and 85% get pregnant again within 2 years. Doesn’t sound bad, right? Except the underlying disturbance for these statistics is that they do not show what percentage of those pregnancies resulted in live births. How many of those pregnancies resulted in another EP? Miscarriage? Stillbirth?
At first glance they don’t seem so bad, but I don’t think they tell the whole story, which is disappointing.
I’m nervous about the next surgery. What if it wasn’t endo that caused the EP? What if there is something else I should have known about?