Kansas?

I've never actually been to Kansas. But it's the first phrase that I thought of when I came out of the fog, about a week after surgery, and started writing my thoughts.

Can't I click my heels together three times and be transported back to 5 weeks and 1 day ago? I read a series of questions on Glow in the Woods yesterday. One of them really got me thinking... Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

I don't really know how to answer that question yet, but it's got my mind turning for now.

In less heavy matters (or maybe more heavy!)... I went to my new yoga class last night. I should have known this wasn't going to be my typical power yoga session when I walked in and the room was filled with middle aged overweight women. Ding Ding Ding, Collect your mat and proceed to the treadmill!!! But I didn't, I stayed thinking maybe with the recent surgery this would be more my pace now.... We breathed for 25 minutes. I'm all about breathing and connecting breath with movement, but there was more breathing and very little movement. I'm going to need to get my heartrate above 75 BPM in order to feel like I've actually done something.

I thought about cancelling out of the class, but I think the change of pace might not be a bad thing for me. It might force me, for an hour a week, to just let go. Plus, when I have my next surgery, I'll need something at a much slower pace again. So, inhaling and exhaling I go, all the way down the yellow brick road.

We're seeing our psychologist again today. We've seen her once, 3 weeks after the surgery. We both liked her. I'm looking forward to the session today. A lot has gone on in the last 2 weeks, from going back to work, my best friend having her baby, and my FIL moving back to town. They should each have their own post!

I also want to talk to the psychologist about my spending, which has drastically increased since the surgery. Some people over eat, some people are alcoholics, I've been shopping. I know my bank account does not have an endless balance, so it can't last forever, right? Funny thing is that when I buy something it only makes me happy for a few minutes. But at this rate I'll take what I can get. A little is better than none. I am interested to see what the psychologist has to say about it though.

I did have a ring custom made. I just got it a few days ago. It's aquamarine (March's birthstone). I figured it would be more reliable than planting a tree (hello, what if the tree died? or we move?). As if a piece of jewelry could replace a baby. Anyways, it came out great, I love it, and it makes my heart happy.

I feel like I need a hobby. I was thinking about taking up painting. But then I think, what if I suck at it? And I can't take the risk of failure. The price is too high right now. We'll see. Maybe something else.

I'm also having my blood drawn again today. The pregnancy hormone should be back down to zero by now, which is what they've told me the last 2 times I've had it done. It's okay though, anything to avoid the methotrexate injection.

Sometimes it all feels like a dream. Like it couldn't have really happened. I think that feeling has to do with being at work and around people that don't know about it all. I find myself continually replaying it in my head so that I don't forget. Like if I don't focus on it all the time I'll forget about it all together. Needless to say, I've been having a hard time focusing on work. I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't been sleeping well for quite a while. I'm exhausted and unmotivated today. I talked to my mom on the way in to work this morning. She called to see how I was doing. Before we hung up she said she wanted me to know that she hasn't forgotten. I started to cry. I'm starting to cry now thinking about it.