Mourning sickness

The surgery is officially in 23 days. I’ve gone through a gamut of feelings about it. I went from dreading it, to being excited about the possibility of ttc again, to now, where I am a mixture of the two.
On the one hand I feel excited about the future and ttc again. The possibility of getting pregnant again is exciting.
On the other hand I feel terrified. I feel terrified of another surgery possibly causing damage to my already defunct uterus. I feel terrified of feeling out of control about the future. I feel terrified of being pregnant and not being in control of my health and being a neurotic mess about doing things “right”. I feel terrified of not knowing when to trust my instincts. I feel terrified of the fertility decisions that lay ahead of us and the amount of time remaining to make those decisions.
The decision is how aggressively we want to pursue fertility intervention. Specifically, clomid (which isn't that "agressive" really). My gut says not to resort to it for at least a few months to give us time to try “naturally.” But I know that we will be most fertile in the first 6 months after the surgery. So the dilemma is to make the most of our most fertile time or not? My doctor is advising us to start clomid immediately after the surgery. I just don’t know. Keith and I haven’t talked about it yet. We still have a few weeks to make a decision and I don’t want to beat the topic to death with him. I’m thinking about it, but I don’t feel pressured to make a decision.
I’m leaning to having a consultation with a magic 8 ball.

The surgery consult is June 2nd, two weeks away. We’ll be able to ask some questions then.

I'll take potpourri for $200

I had another appointment with my psychologist last week. I went alone this time. It was good. She really helped me understand that my lack of control over what happened and my lack of control over the future is what is giving me so much anxiety. I’m not exactly sure how to fix that yet, but I’m sure she’ll help me. She suggested setting aside time for myself each day. I haven’t done it yet, but I’d like to.

I finished the garden…

The peonies are my favorite. Keith brought me the biggest most brilliant bouquet of flowers I’ve ever seen yesterday with peonies. He is so sweet, the most wonderful husband in the world.
Also, Saturday my ectopic pregnancy trust box came (great timing!). I got a couple t-shirts, pins and cell phone charms. I wore one of my t-shirts all day yesterday.

Un-mother's day

Yesterday was an emotional day for me, as I’m sure it was for many. I stumbled across a great poem another blogger wrote. To all the sweet, precious, delicate petals our flowers have lost:

Not just today.
Not just during daylight.
Not just during night time.
Always and every day.
Absent and yet so present.
Missed and so deeply loved.



1 month until my next surgery.

You can hate it or love it

I got blindsided at an open house I was doing yesterday. I never even saw it coming. Allow me to set the scene… A couple in their 70’s came to see the house. They thought the main house might be perfect for their son and his family and the in law apartment for themselves. As I was taking them through the house they were telling me about their children and grandchildren. After about 20 minutes they decided that the house had too many stairs for them. Since they had been talking about their family when they left I wished the wife a happy mothers day next weekend. I should have seen it coming… her sweet little old husband turned to me and asked if I was a mother. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to say. I said no. He smiled and said that someday I would be. And I’m sure he’s right. But in the meantime, this mother’s day sucks. I just want to hide. I don’t want to see mother’s day advertisements or commercials. I’m taking my mother to a Best of Broadway performance on Saturday night. I’m hoping to just be alone on Sunday. It’s going to be a hard week. But I hope that the mere recognition will make it easier.

It’s like I’m stuck. But I have to make progress. I can’t stay this way forever. The countdown to the next surgery is 38 days. I hope that by the time that it’s here I’ll be doing better. But I’m afraid. What if I am this way forever? We’re seeing our psychologist on Wednesday in a positive effort not to remain lunatics forever. I shouldn’t speak for Keith. He’s not a lunatic.

In positive news, we made a new garden this weekend. I love it. It came out so nice. I love gardening so much, even though I got stung by a wasp this weekend. Ouch! It was worth it. We still have some more planting to do, which I’m hoping we’ll be able to do tonight before dark.

Confessions of a babyloss shopaholic

Does it make me crazy that I was looking at cribs on craigslist.com today? Probably not. Does it make me crazy that I was looking at cribs on craigslist.com today and actually considering purchasing a crib and changing table? Probably. It was a nice set and a good deal. So commit me already. I can’t help but think that it would be “jinxing” to get a crib set at this point. And Keith would probably think that I’d completely lost my marbles. Maybe I have, haha.
My cousin came over last night and we were knitting and crocheting baby blankets. Mostly because they’re easier and quicker to complete. And I know a couple women about to have babies in the next couple months and the thought of going to Baby’s R Us to get them gifts literally makes me want to gag. So, I’m going to make them little blankets, which is fun for me and keeps me busy.
I’ve finally emerged from the fog I was in last week. I haven’t had much abdominal pain in the last couple of days, so that has helped morale. I was supposed to get my 4th week (aka rag) on 4/23 and I haven’t thus far. I’m not too worried about it being late. I’m sure it’ll just take time to get back on track. But I’m sure that’s why I’ve been having so much pain, especially last week. Really better in the last few days though which is a welcomed relief.
I went to the lake on Saturday with my Dad. It was gorgeous, in the 80’s. We had a great time and I even took the kayak out for a few minutes which was so nice. We had a blast, I can’t wait to go again.
I’m thinking about getting a treadmill to help with my feelings of inactivity. I’m scaling back on the yoga for a while, unsure if it contributed to my soreness. And I’m nervous about causing internal damage the parts that are still healing. I figure I’ll be able to use a treadmill at least until my next surgery, and then for a few months after the next surgery too. So, if I get a used one I won’t feel so bad about spending a fortune on a brand new one. I emailed a lady on craigslist on Saturday. Still waiting for her to respond.

The funk continues...

This ridiculous dreary mood I’ve been in has not lifted. Little light has been shed on why I feel this way. But I’ve still been trying to feel my way through it. I’m just so frustrated with my restrictions and limitations. I hate that I can’t go jogging or play tennis. I can’t even fully participate in yoga. It’s frustrating beyond words. I realized yesterday that exercising has always been a coping mechanism for me, and a stress reliever. When I’m working out I don’t think about anything else. Nothing. My mind is totally clear and focused on the task at hand. Now, even when I try to do yoga I wonder if I’m pushing myself too hard or if I’m injuring myself internally. But not doing anything keeps me painfully aware of reality 24/7. I feel like so much of who I am is confused right now and I can’t even do the one thing I’ve been good at my entire life. Exercising makes me feel good, not being able to is having such an affect on my mood. Just about the time I’ll hopefully be bouncing back I’ll have to have the next surgery. It gives me little to look forward to. I hate it and I hate myself for it. Rationally thinking I know this is counterproductive towards the route I am trying to take to self acceptance. I know that I can punish myself for eternity but the gaping hurt in my heart will still ache.
I recently found out the statistics on getting pregnant again after having an EP. After having an EP my odds are 15% of having another one. I read on Ectopic.org that 65% of women get pregnant again within 18 months, and 85% get pregnant again within 2 years. Doesn’t sound bad, right? Except the underlying disturbance for these statistics is that they do not show what percentage of those pregnancies resulted in live births. How many of those pregnancies resulted in another EP? Miscarriage? Stillbirth?
At first glance they don’t seem so bad, but I don’t think they tell the whole story, which is disappointing.
I’m nervous about the next surgery. What if it wasn’t endo that caused the EP? What if there is something else I should have known about?

When you're dreaming with a broken heart...

For some reason I feel like I’ve been in a funk for the last few days. I’m just feeling down and mopey. Call it self loathing, I really don’t care. We went to Lowe’s this weekend and got some flowers for a new garden I want to start. We got a couple peonies and a blueberry. We got some geraniums for a hanging planter. It all overwhelmed me pretty quickly. I don’t know why I’ve been so down and easily overwhelmed the last couple of days. I think a lot of it has to do with constant pain in my left side. It’s like a constant reminder. And I don’t know why the pain is there. Is it scar tissue? An infection? I have no idea. The surgery was 6 ½ weeks ago. Shouldn’t the pain be getting better? And it was the right tube that the surgery was on, why is the left side hurting? It’s a constant ache. I saw people out jogging and playing tennis this weekend and I hate that I can’t do any of that. Exercising used to be such a release for me. Even yoga is borderline too much for me. I told my doctor’s nurse that it was making my side sore and she told me I should back off from it for a while. I cut down to 1 class a week. It was so nice out this weekend I wanted to go outside for a walk so bad, but I didn’t know if it would make my side hurt worse.
I hate it. And I hate myself. I know I’m supposed to be on this path to self acceptance but I just hate this so much. Will I be able to wear high heels or exercise before my next surgery? The next surgery is just looming over my head. Knowing that by the time I’ve healed from this I’ll have to undergo surgery again. It does not help me to feel optimistic. Like I can make all the progress in the world from now until June 11, only to be brought back to ground zero. And it seems like an eternity away. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo until then.
Since my last appointment with my crazy doctor I’ve been trying to think of why I’m so angry with myself, why do I feel so guilty, why do I feel like such a failure? Thinking rationally I know that hating myself won’t help anything, and I know that it wasn’t my fault. So why do I feel this way?
I did try painting a few days ago. It went well. I am by no means an artist, but it was nice to give my brain a break from myself for a few hours. I’m thinking about going to visit my grandmother this weekend so she can give me some pointers.
Here’s a picture of my painting…

It supposed to be nice this weekend, in the 70’s. I’d really like to get up to the lake to take my kayak out. It would be good to get away for a couple of days.
I saw the first cardinal of the season on one of my feeders this weekend. It was nice.