Can I just say...

I am sick and tired of people telling me not to worry that I'll have another baby someday. It's not about my ability to have a baby. It's about how the loss of my first pregnancy is affecting my life. Don't reduce what I've been through because you have no idea what it's like. Like having a baby will suddenly make it all okay? Guess what? No matter how many children I go on to have someday I will never forget what I have lost. Ever. Having a baby is not the magical cure for babyloss. Having a baby will not make my heart hurt any less for what I have lost. It's like telling someone that's newly divorced "don't worry, you'll get married again someday." how dumb is that? Seriously.

Questions and Answers

I saw my doctor yesterday. She explained the surgery to me in really good detail and it really makes sense with what happened with the EP. Basically, an endo adhesion was pulling my left ovary away from my left tube, thereby when I ov’d the follicle went into my uterus and was fertilized there, instead of the left tube where it should have been. It needed a place to hunker down and get cozy for a while so it pulled into the only other logical place. My right tube. So I feel good that what my dr. thought happened is actually what did happen. Props to her! Damn, she’s good.

While I was there we figured we could nail 2 birds with one stone…. Actually 3 birds with one stone. I had a trans vag sonogram to see which side I will ov from this month (if I ov at all). Turns out that I have a dominant follicle on the right side (goddamnit). I had blood drawn yesterday to see if I will ov at all this month.

I was really stressed out yesterday about the prospect of ov’ing from the right side. The left tube is definitely in much better shape than the right. I was (and still kinda am) worried that because the right tube is slightly damaged that I might have another ep. Keith says that if my dr. isn’t worried about it then I shouldn’t be worried about it. My dr. said she has no worries that the right tube will function correctly. The ultrasound tech also said the right side looked good. So, I guess I’m going to try not to worry about it. Although I have to be honest, the scary reality of having another ep is staring me right in the face and freaking me the fuck out. Almost to the point of wanting to wait until next month, but there’s no guarantee that I’ll ov from the left side next month. I could ov from the right side again. There’s no telling. And I certainly can’t go back to my dr. every month for a sonogram and blood work (although I joke with her staff about it, I don’t think they think it’s funny).

Finally, I just got a call from her office… turns out my estrodiol shows that I will ov in the next day or two!!!! Even though I’m worried, I’m still very exciting to know that I am ov’ing ON MY OWN! Without fertility drugs! Thanksyouverymuch! So, that is great news.

I just peed on an OPK stick… at work. Gross, I know! But today is our anniversaryJ and we’re going right out to dinner from work, so basically there was no other time to take it. Getoverit. I’m staring at a pee stick at my desk as I type (I put it in my glasses case, clever, right?!). The line is MUCH darker than previous days. I think tomorrow is going to be the positive day, and I’ll ov on Saturday. That is my google MD estimate.

Anyways, happy anniversary to us!