Can I just say...

I am sick and tired of people telling me not to worry that I'll have another baby someday. It's not about my ability to have a baby. It's about how the loss of my first pregnancy is affecting my life. Don't reduce what I've been through because you have no idea what it's like. Like having a baby will suddenly make it all okay? Guess what? No matter how many children I go on to have someday I will never forget what I have lost. Ever. Having a baby is not the magical cure for babyloss. Having a baby will not make my heart hurt any less for what I have lost. It's like telling someone that's newly divorced "don't worry, you'll get married again someday." how dumb is that? Seriously.

Oh, you didn't get the memo?

You know that feeling when you have just taken a kung fu shot to the gut? Allow me to explain…
My brother calls last night. When I didn’t answer (I was in my garden) he called Keith’s phone. Didn’t leave messages on either phones. Weird. I call him back we catch up on weekend and general life goings on for about 20 minutes. Semi strange. He asks about my dr. appointment this week. We talked about that and fertility in general for about another 15 minutes. Also, strange. Finally, he says he called because he wanted to tell me something. Long pause. He gets emotional, starts crying. I’m thinking, aw, my brother wants to tell me how much he loves me and how he doesn’t say it often enough, but the things I’ve been through have made him think about how thankful he is for having such a wonderful sister. Right. Then… KAPOW (insert kung fu shot to the gut). My SIL is pregnant. He didn’t know how I’d react. (wait I’m still gasping for air). He hopes I’m not too upset. (clearly not what I was expecting). Obviously they didn’t get the memo that no one in the world is allowed to get pregnant until I finally am able to produce offspring. Inconsiderate jerks. As I’m choking back tears I tell him how deliriously happy I am for them, of course I’m not upset, I’m sure it won’t be easy for me, but I am certainly not upset. Next time read your memo and we can avoid a situation like this happening in the first place.

The reality is, of course I’m happy for them. I am so happy that they don’t have to go through what I’ve been though. I would never want that for anyone. No one should ever know what it’s like to have trouble conceiving, or to know what’s like to experience a loss. It’s indescribable. Because of our differing realities with conception I feel like it makes it harder and harder for me to relate to them. I feel like I roll my eyes at people a lot and think, if you felt an ounce of the hurt I feel, then you would have a glimpse into the heartbreak that I live every day.
When we hung up the phone I exploded into tears. I’m happy that they don’t know the pain that I know. But I’m sad that I don’t know the joy that they know.
It’s not about “ever” getting pregnant. I’m not worried about that. I’m confident that someday we’ll get to be parents too. It’s the excitement and happiness around that inevitable day that I’m already missing, even though it hasn’t come yet. I know it will be filled with stress and worry, and I wish it didn’t have to be that way. Once you feel that hurt the fear that you will feel it again lingers. I hope in time that fear can fade.

In other, brighter, news, I definitely ov’d this weekend! So glad to be done with those OPK’s for a while. I definitely pee’d on multiple sticks Thursday and Friday to compare the intensity and darkness of the test line to the reference line. I stopped short of getting my microscope out because, oh yeah, I don’t have one. Seriously, you need a Harvard MD to be able to interpret those things.
To put it blunt, we did it like teenagers this weekend. Seriously. I won’t go into any more detail than that. Sunday morning though I had the smallest amount of spotting with my first morning pee (yeah yeah, tmi, I know). If it had been a week later I would’ve been all excited thinking it was implantation spotting. But I know it’s way too soon for that. It worried me a little bit, so I tried to lay low for the rest of the day and I didn’t have any more.
Stay tuned the two week wait is on and it won’t be pretty.

Questions and Answers

I saw my doctor yesterday. She explained the surgery to me in really good detail and it really makes sense with what happened with the EP. Basically, an endo adhesion was pulling my left ovary away from my left tube, thereby when I ov’d the follicle went into my uterus and was fertilized there, instead of the left tube where it should have been. It needed a place to hunker down and get cozy for a while so it pulled into the only other logical place. My right tube. So I feel good that what my dr. thought happened is actually what did happen. Props to her! Damn, she’s good.

While I was there we figured we could nail 2 birds with one stone…. Actually 3 birds with one stone. I had a trans vag sonogram to see which side I will ov from this month (if I ov at all). Turns out that I have a dominant follicle on the right side (goddamnit). I had blood drawn yesterday to see if I will ov at all this month.

I was really stressed out yesterday about the prospect of ov’ing from the right side. The left tube is definitely in much better shape than the right. I was (and still kinda am) worried that because the right tube is slightly damaged that I might have another ep. Keith says that if my dr. isn’t worried about it then I shouldn’t be worried about it. My dr. said she has no worries that the right tube will function correctly. The ultrasound tech also said the right side looked good. So, I guess I’m going to try not to worry about it. Although I have to be honest, the scary reality of having another ep is staring me right in the face and freaking me the fuck out. Almost to the point of wanting to wait until next month, but there’s no guarantee that I’ll ov from the left side next month. I could ov from the right side again. There’s no telling. And I certainly can’t go back to my dr. every month for a sonogram and blood work (although I joke with her staff about it, I don’t think they think it’s funny).

Finally, I just got a call from her office… turns out my estrodiol shows that I will ov in the next day or two!!!! Even though I’m worried, I’m still very exciting to know that I am ov’ing ON MY OWN! Without fertility drugs! Thanksyouverymuch! So, that is great news.

I just peed on an OPK stick… at work. Gross, I know! But today is our anniversaryJ and we’re going right out to dinner from work, so basically there was no other time to take it. Getoverit. I’m staring at a pee stick at my desk as I type (I put it in my glasses case, clever, right?!). The line is MUCH darker than previous days. I think tomorrow is going to be the positive day, and I’ll ov on Saturday. That is my google MD estimate.

Anyways, happy anniversary to us!

Tales from the OR

Safe to say that I was, ahem, anxious about the surgery. Well, it went well. Way better than I expected. It was a walk in the park compared to the last surgery.
On a scale of 1 – 10 the first surgery was a 10 and the second was a 0. People kept saying to me, “oh but the emotional aspect of the first surgery is what made is so much worse.” Uh, no people, I don’t think you’re getting it. Yes, the “emotional aspect” of the first surgery was a nightmare. But physically, the first surgery was so much worse. I couldn’t shower by myself or go up and down the stairs in my house for the first 2 weeks after the first surgery. I couldn’t lift my legs onto the bed to lie down. I would sit on the edge and Keith would have to swing my legs around. The pain was ridiculous. It’s made me realize how close to dying I really was before that first surgery. Scary.
Anyways…. I made lots of new friends after this surgery. Particularly my friend nurse Joanne, you know who you are, never shy with the morphine, you hold a special place in my heart!
Speaking of morphine. Thank the LOHD that it’s not sold on the street, because I would be one happy addict if it was. Those few morphine induced euphoric hours were bliss, the best time of my life.
From what I hear I was a real riot. Keith said I kept saying “vag” and “lady business” in front of my mom. Wonderful. Thankfully, she hasn’t mentioned it.
At any rate, when I am president everyone will have access to as much morphine as they want whenever they want it. Period. I’ll make bumper stickers: Got Morphine?
In all seriousness, the surgery went well. The endo was removed, (I even got pictures!), and the dye test went pretty well. The left tube is clear as a bell, the dye flowed right through, no problems. The right tube was a little “windy.” as Dr. R put it. She said the dye flowed through, but not as well as the left side. She said the windyness was where the pregnancy was. She said there could be small amounts of endo there (too small for her to remove). This all makes me wonder if her original theory of the EP is wrong. She originally thought the left tube ovulated, egg was fertilized, then couldn’t implant in uterus because of too much endo, so it was sucked up into the right tube. After seeing pictures of the surgery, it really doesn’t look like there was a whole lot of endo in there. I wonder if it was fertilized in the right tube, but the little bugger never made it out of the windyness. I was too out of it to think of these obvious questions right after the surgery. But I’m going to ask on Wednesday when I have my 2 week follow up. She said the windyness (I hate that word) of the right tube is no cause for concern and she isn’t worried about it in the least bit. Basically, we can start doing it like animals.
I’ve stocked up on OPK’s (hella expensive), I’m on CD 14 and no ov yet. I’m trying to coax it along through meditation. Ha, we’ll see how that goes! I’ll try anything! Maybe acupuncture?
What a smorguesborgue of a post! Topic to topic to topic….
I got proactiv last week. I’ve been using for a little over a week and my skin is supah dry, but I think it’s working. I still have some breakouts on my jawline, but it’s getting better.

I am not okay

As in breathing into a paper bag. Not.okay. I am on the fast track to a fairyland place of communal living, where the inhabitants are constantly in a dream like state from the excessive amounts of meds that are shoved down their throats. This place, I lovingly refer to, is the mental institution which I am convinced I am about to be committed to.
I blame my continued anxiety on Google. What have you done for me lately Google? Why do I put myself through this sadistic mental torture?
Last night I was tempted, like you don’t want to know about, to sneak a happy little vicodin and forget about my troubles. Who needs Calgon? Vicodin, take me away!
I came in to work this morning to news that a coworker in another office had passed away over the weekend during childbirth. Apparently she hemorrhaged, the baby survived. This is so upsetting to me, I think it’s what started the anxiety this morning.
Also, one of my girlfriends is in labor today. I can’t even go there. Let’s not. We’ll “parking lot” that one.
Finally, I called my Dr.’s office and talked with her nurse about a Resident doing my surgery. I told her, in so many words, I realize that Dr. R has a medical degree from Tufts and I respect her medical knowledge, BUT my Google M.D. has better qualified me to make the call on how a Resident will play a role in my surgery. Yes I do realize that Dr. R was at one point a Resident herself. And I’d like to thank all those guinea pigs that let her practice cutting on them so I could have a fabulous physician and surgeon. thanksforyourcoorperationbuhbye. She’s going to run it by my Dr. and see if I need to sign a new waiver.
As if being this much of a spaz isn’t fun enough by itself, I get to have lunch with my boss and her boss today. Mm hm, that’s right kids. Can we go somewhere that is handing out prozac at the door? Puhlease?
As a very random side note, I have just learned that 8 people have viewed my blog! I find this hilarious because I treat this blog as my dirty mistress. Listen blog, let’s lay down the rules, I want to use you and abuse you with my filthy range of emotions, but if you ever go public on me I’ll deny it all. I do not pay you child support, I am not your baby daddy.
Omg, I have reached a new level of crazy. I have to stop myself. Clearly no one else will. It’s going to be a long day.
Keith is taking me out for dinner tonight. Hopefully I’ll have my marbles together by then!

Yes, that's right. I did it again.

My name is S-P-A-Z. But I am trying not to be. Seriously.trying.not.to.be.a.spaz. All efforts are futile. The sensible side of me is powerless against the crazy side. The more I try NOT to think about the surgery = the more I DO think about the surgery. It’s like a psychological bitch slap. You know you’re circling the drain when you wind up on Google. Google is the beginning of the end. When you find yourself making a Google search you know you have crossed the line, you’ve gone too far. You will regret it when you are on the floor crying in the fetal position in the corner of your office. Your co-workers walk by and say, Uh oh, she did it again. Yes friends, yes she did.
Reading statistics on pregnancy post endo surgery, complications from endo surgery, the reasons why endo can cause infertility, and why those reasons may not be corrected with surgery.
Basically, as eager as I was to put my uterus on display again, I am now having tormented second thoughts. I want them to look into my uterus, obtain a full report on what is going on in there, then allow me to wake up and make a sane educated decision on the future of my uterus. Because after all, my Google, M.D. has given me the knowledge to make such decisions.
I don’t want to get myself started on a Resident doing my surgery, but I digress. I’m already there, circling the drain again. I’m pretty sure I’m going to throw a fit in the hospital and demand that the Resident be there for instructional viewing purposes only. This said Resident will not play an instrumental role. Period. I should bring my Googled literature with highlighted segments about how complex the surgery can be. I will absolutely not have someone with training wheels on be removing adhesions from my still suffering from post traumatic stress disorder uterus. Uhnothankyouma’am.
I’ve got myself all nerved up. ithinki’mgoingtocrapmypants.

the 411

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been trying to contain my psychosis. I think I’ve been doing pretty well at that… most of the time. I had my pre-consultation with my doctor this morning. I love her, I love her staff, but they are never on time. Ever. I was with her for 15 minutes, but I was out of work for an hour and a half. How exactly does that work?
The surgery will be about an hour and a half. She will try to use the same incisions, but she’s not sure if she’ll be able to. I mentioned I still have quite a bit of soreness. She said she thought it might be from the endo. I disagree, but we’ll see after the surgery. She said it wouldn’t be as bad as the last surgery because of the amount of blood I lost in that surgery. After this one I should be feeling remarkably better immediately following the surgery. She said I’d be in recovery for 2-4 hours. She said a resident dr. would be doing the surgery, but that she would be there to do the “major” stuff. Um, not sure how I feel about that, but I don’t think I get a say in it. She’s also going to do an HSG dye test while she’s in there to ensure the tubes aren’t blocked.
Anyways, she gave me a prescription for vicodin after the surgery. She said we could start TTC again immediately. As in day after surgery? That would be correct. She said as soon as I was feeling up to it. Time to stock up on OPK’s! She said whenever I get pregnant again we’ll test hormones every couple of days to ensure they are doubling normally, and have a scan as soon as the hormones are high enough for an image to be detectable. I feel good about that. She said it does not mean that the entire pregnancy would be considered high risk. She said if we try clomid that would not make the endo come back faster. Although we’ve talked about it and decided to hold off on trying clomid for 3-6 months.
I mentioned to her that my skin has been a borderline nightmare since all the hormone fluctuations. She suggested proactive. I’m going to get that this week. Hopefully it will work.
I’ve got the beginning of a sinus cold coming on, she said if it wasn’t gone by Friday to call and she’d prescribe antibiotics so the surgery doesn’t get rescheduled. Also, I had blood drawn today to test my hormones: thyroid and prolactin (?, I think). I want to make sure there isn’t any other issue going on. I would hate to start TTC again and then months down the road find out there was something else wrong too.
Overall it was a good appointment. But the place is crawling with pregnant women and babies/toddlers. And there’s a daycare on the first floor of the building. Super. One of the exam rooms actually has a picture of a woman breastfeeding. There are pictures of bare stomachs every where you turn, on pamphlets, magazines, and posters. As if it’s not bad enough for me to go back to “the scene of the crime.” But I have to be accosted by preggos and children everywhere. Coming from someone with fertility issues, the place is an absolute nightmare to go to. If I didn’t love my doctor so much I’d look for a new one. Really, it’s that bad.
I just can’t wait to get the surgery over with. I know I’m going to be an anxiety attack mess until then. I’m going to a relaxation class at the hospital the day before the surgery. Better late than never, right? It’s only offered 1 day per week. I can’t go this week because I’m seeing my psych dr. at the same time the class is offered.
In fun news, we got a boat yesterday. I am very much looking forward to going to the lake for the weekend for some fun before the surgery!